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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28641600">In Dedication</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahappyphil/pseuds/ahappyphil'>ahappyphil</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>2021, M/M, References to Depression, ywgttn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:41:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>589</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28641600</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahappyphil/pseuds/ahappyphil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You didn’t save me, you didn’t think I needed saving </p><p>You didn’t change me, you didn’t think I needed changing </p><p>Phil reads the book</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>178</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>In Dedication</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is based off To Hell &amp; Back- Maren Morris! Check it out for all the feelings </p><p>https://open.spotify.com/track/4Yy1VOdLAX7MuKQOcivV4O?si=cIafsRtVTXiKSSHF99ZzFw</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>For Phil, who I would not have made it through this night without </i>
</p><p>Jokes on you, I had a secret I managed to keep a surprise from you. Not only are you the first official reader of this book (you better leave a glowing fucking review on google bitch), your copy includes an exclusive one of a kind dedication page that the author had to beg to have specially printed. </p><p>You and I both know I could fill the entire length of this book with sappy shit that would make any decent human projectile vomit on the page. You keep telling me not to give you too much credit for all this and that it’s my story, my success (at least...hopeful success. God, how embarrassing would it be if this flopped). But I wouldn’t be here sharing my story if it weren’t for you and your annoying persistence and faith in me. </p><p>Then again you’ve always had an obnoxious amount of faith in me, haven’t you. Even when I was a whiny dramatic shit before we met. Even when I tried to tell you this wouldn't work. That we wouldn’t work. Every time I gave you a reason to run, you never gave up. Thank you for not letting me scare you. </p><p>You were the first person to ever make me feel like I wasn’t broken, like I didn’t need to change before you could love me. You just did. I know you’re going to tell me not to thank you for that, and after years of therapy I can accept that you mean it and I wasn’t in fact broken, just traumatized and mentally ill (lmao). But still- thank you. Thank you for relentlessly loving me, <i>because of</i> and not <i>in spite of</i>. </p><p>I talk a lot in this book about the low days, the nitty gritty of depression, the things I thought were not suitable for YouTube the first time around. But you’ve seen them all. You’ve literally been by my side through blood, sweat, and tears (and that one particularly vomity week). Thank you for learning with me and being a support even when I didn’t know what I needed. Through meds and therapy and me coming home with some weird new meditation exercise. </p><p>You’ve always told me how brave and strong you think I am, but Phil have you met you? You are literally the strongest person I know. As much as you like to downplay it and avoid talking about your own shit (enjoy chapter 7 I think you’ll get something out of that. Gonna snek some mental health in ya), I’ve seen you handle more than any person should and still remain so full of love and light. I won’t make a ‘Phil Lester sunshine confirmed’ joke right now, cause that would ruin the vibe of this very serious dedication and also I’ve woken up to your grumpy morning ass enough times to know that’s a lie. What I’m saying is you’ve had your own nights to get through and I’m so proud of you.</p><p>I dedicated this book to the younger version of me, who thought he was beyond saving. I also dedicate it to you, who knew I didn’t need saving. We make each other better I think. I’m happy it’s you I got to grow up and grow better with. Thank you for being my light until I could find my own again. </p><p> </p><p>Love, </p><p>Dan</p><p> </p><p>P.s. This felt weirdly like writing wedding vows. Guess we’ll find out soon ;)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Reblog <a href="https://ahappydnp.tumblr.com/post/639800157904551936/in-dedication">here</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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